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07/18/2003 Archived Entry: "TONY'S PIZZA"

TONY'S PIZZA

I can't resist telling this story. In fact, I have a whole lot of stories like this...things that have happened over the years that have been hilarious to experience and fantastic to relate. Barrel laughs are just plain good for you. Some I’ve told, more I need to tell.

The wife of the couple who were friends of ours is alive and well and doing all her good things about town so I won’t mention her name. Names aren't important. She and her husband both told this story numerous times so you’ll know who I mean if you’ve shared in the laughter. At gatherings with them, we’d request the story over and over. I hope I haven’t forgotten too many of the details.

Well, you probably remember that years ago, if you’ve been around awhile, Tony’s Italian Restaurant was in downtown Salina. It was the forerunner of Tony’s Pizza, the same people who now employ most of the people living within 50 miles of their plant. Tom Belcher long has had the market on their broken pizzas or “mistakes” made along the production line. He collects rejects for his hogs. Sharing Tom’s pork chops right off the hoof is a good thing as they come already seasoned. No kidding. They taste Italian. But I digressed. The restaurant was the beginning of all of this pizza expansion and that was many years ago. There is a lot of history associated with it.

By the way, that’s IT alian, as in IT aly and IT alia Airlines….NOT EYE talian. Hearing someone say “EYEtalian” dressing makes my teeth hurt.

Anyway, back to the story. These four were dining at Tony’s years ago as often everyone did. There weren’t many restaurants around here in those days and tony's was a favorite of many when it opened. Brit and I ate there a few times as he’s a big fan of ITalian food. I am not, so I balked at going there. We were also young, with three kids and broke so dining out wasn’t an option except on rare occasions.

One of the things about it that I didn’t like was their lack of lighting. It was as dark as a vodoo queen at midnight in that place and only dim light flickered from half-candle power table lights which signaled a wall you shouldn’t run into. I never knew what was on the menu as I couldn’t see it. I like to see what I’m eating and who I’m eating with…ambiance begone.

So, this story revolves around the fact that EVERYONE agreed the place was black as a cave and NO ONE could see nuttin’ in that place. Maybe that’s why most people liked it so well.

So our friends went to Tony’s for dinner. They had heaping plates of Italian food which, as you know, tends to create intestinal problems that, when relieved, require ear plugs, gigantic amounts of fresh air and huge ventilating fans. Friend X ate so much during the extended evening that he, according to his story, was in a severely distended, gaseous state and about to explode. He hated to even wiggle his toes thinking about what might happen. He needed an escape route to avoid being identified when "it" happened. So he devised a plan.

After dinner it was time to move to the cashier’s stand which he knew he couldn't negotiate. His wife was across the table so he couldn't forewarn her. Having figured out the best escape route for this enormous problem, he spied an empty booth against the wall in the far corner, away from other diners, and decided he could make it that far before letting it rip. Taking more than a few steps was out of the question so he slowly sidled backwards to the edge of the booth so his backside was pretty much resting on the table top then he quickly and uncontrollably let ‘er rip! The gaseous explosion was so loud, prolonged and intense it shocked him…but it horrified the twosome he had not seen who were sitting in the booth quietly enjoying their Italian repast in the blackness. Their heads were only a matter of inches away from the point of release of all this explosive stench. They quickly clamored over the backs of their booth, climbing over people in the adjoining booths (who had also gone unnoticed) before flying out the front door along with most of the other patrons.

It’s not a story easily forgotten or one that doesn’t bring on laughter with the recollection of it. He had no choice but to laugh about it. There were no other alternatives. I can't attest to what the other diners thought, but I imagine they never forgot the incident.

As he slipped quickly out the door, he whispered to his wife to pay for the meals of the two unfortunate diners and anyone else who wanted it.

He was a great guy with a marvelous sense of humor. And we miss him.